I wish I didn’t have to lie to them so much. I wish I could just tell them that I’m in trouble, that I cry at night because its always so cold, that I only like having  hallucinations because it means I’m not alone, that they mean more then the world to me and can tell me everything on their minds, but that would be against the rules wouldn’t it?

I haven’t been feeling well lately and I’ve been meaning to tell my friends but I really don’t know how to bring it. I was wondering if anyone could help me out.

Because every time someone asks if I’m okay I want nothing more then to cry out on their shoulders, but I can’t I just can’t. So I tell them that I’m okay with a big smile plastered on my face.  Because what if I do tell them and what if they tell other people that I’m a lunatic that has constant thoughts of suicide, a lunatic that finds comfort in knowing how warm their entrails will be when cut out, the lunatic that already thought of a place a time and a weapon. They all would despise me, they would never speak to me. And I would be alone.

Would that mean there is really nothing to lose?

My mind is playing tricks on me I went overboard last time, after a half hour of sobbing I found myself against the radiator laughing at my own mistakes. Why do I think like this and why can’t I open my heart up to anyone. Out of fear? I’m not sure of anything any more. I was thinking about sending them an email tonight since I can’t talk directly at them. But if anyone has a better idea please speak up.

An image of the schools hallways caked in my blood crossed my mind

It made me smile, the crimson liquid would have perfect for my last performance

dancing with my entrails in the hallway covering everything in the liquid.

It would be so warm. At least until I ran out of time

It would have been wonderful, but I remembered the second floor of the building already having red walls which was kind of a disappointment.

But I let it go seeing that the ruby coloured hallway wouldn’t be enough for my grand-finale.

It would be easily forgotten.

Which means its no good.

Hello.

Hello are you there?

I can hear you.

Then I will tell you the rules. I expect you to follow them.

You will not ask the teachers questions. They will think you’re dumb if you do.

Understood.

You will have no emotions besides happiness and disappointment. Jealousy is not an option.

Understood.

You will not tell your friends your problems or cry in front of them.

Why?

Crying in front of them would just be selfish. They will think that you are just seeking attention. And they will leave you.

Understood.

You will have to be nice to people who can get you higher in society. It doesn’t matter how obnoxious they are you will act to like them.

Understood.

You will not trust anyone. Not your friends, not close relatives.

Why?

Because people talk which means they can’t be trusted. I can recall your mother telling all of your relatives about how strange you were behaving. It took us a while to fix that.

I remember.

You have to keep being the ”funny” one in the group so no one will suspect you of having problems.

Understood.

You will wear that mask of emotions like a proud assassin would. Don’t try to break it like you almost did today.

Understood.

Keep drinking tea and wearing scarves so you will stay warm, I know how cold it can get out there alone.

Thank you, I will.

One more thing.

Yes?

You are probably the only one who ever will.